chelbh

This week I had a dream about Dean Stockwell. You know, the guy Al from Quantum Leap. And on The Rainmaker he plays this hilarious part where he's this judge who's hacking so much that you're sure he'll keel over at any second :) And well, funny can be such a turn on... Anyway, Dean was at this party my family was hosting and I looked super cute that night! He had this girlfriend who left after she got there and the two of us hung out for the longest time. He was such a mystery. Nothing like any of his roles. The way he played with his hands and moved his legs and the way he bent his body was unlike anyone I had ever met. Which is probably why the question of his sexual orientation was lingering in my head. He seemed interested. But you know me, I get played by the guys who aren't actors. And this one, well he was 71, had his whole lifetime to perfect his plays. At the end of the evening...well I must first tell you that our family was rich (you know, money and power and all). We were going back to our distant roots where we would make each guest feel as welcome as the next by kissing them before they left. It was tradition after all, we had too.

By the end of the night I still couldn't figure him out but as he was leaving we both knew that a kiss was coming. He leaned in and closed his eyes and I did too, so after a couple of seconds of nothing we open our eyes to find that we had missed each others lips. See when I closed my eyes in my dream, they were really closed. Everything was blank for me. I knew he was taller and I'd hoped that on this second try that he'd be the one who tried to find mine. We missed again. And again. I'm telling ya, I can't see anything with my eyes closed and I wasn't comfortable enough to feel for him. By the fourth time he thought it was me who didn't want to kiss him but I'd told him that wasn't the case. After all, how would I know if I wanted to be kissed by him if this whole thing about him being interested was a joke to begin with. You can never tell, can you? You ask a guy and they'll tell you anything you want to hear. Sure I wanted him but how the hell was I supposed to know if he was serious. In the end, we never really kissed. And I wasn't missing on purpose. I get why I couldn't find his lips with my eyes even in my dream being closed, but why couldn't he find mine? What were we, perfect for each other with our own weird and sometimes inept ways...I'll never know.

And just to be perfectly clear, I've never once thought of Dean Stockwell in a sexual way. A couple of hours after I had that dream it came to my memory all at once and I was LMAO out loud for like ten minutes. It's a good thing that I didn't dream of John Glover that night otherwise who knows were we would have ended the night! I mean what would be next, required foreplay before departing? HA! So sometimes my dreams run acid-like and other times...this week I also had a dream where a lot of us were in very bad places, like taken and bound bad. But we weren't crushed. We were hopeful. I need blood more real than what's running through my veins. We all had a newly recorded clear copy of Joy's masterpiece: Safe. It lit a fire in us and for the most part inside ourself we felt everything's fine, everything’s okay. Why? I guess all of us just need our piece of Safe. And I think that if we could keep looking up, we'll get that.

Banner made by: sandr_fairytale 

She said I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain...

Why do I want this? I'm the girl who doesn't believe in assigned seating because I think it stifles creativity while the real teachers in this world believe in structure. I think that too much structure in a classroom inhibits the students from thinking outside the box which hinders their thought process. Let's face it. I'm a loon.

I'm not and have never been a Haley Scott. The friends that I have loved most dearly have all been the Haley's of this world. Every one of 'em were top students who would sit there and makes a list out as to what homework they were doing when. That whole concept still baffles me.

I'm the girl who didn't like school because I didn't want to be told what to read and when to read it. I was always in the mood to read something other than what was assigned and because whatever was assigned didn't match what mood I was in I then felt the material become sad and unmoving.

Knowing all of this about myself makes me think I'm too inept for the job. Then I think of Brooke and how I'm like her and how she can do anything. She's gonna change the world someday, we all know it. I used to have these goals...before I was broken. They all revolved around me changing my section of the world to something happy like Crayonville and whatnot.

I've been thinking about moving to China for a semester and teach some English there. But I wanted to make dead sure that what I was moving for was more than me just not being strong enough to grow where I am. And that this wasn't about me wanting to take the easy road in life. I think I figured it out. It's not about my weakness as much as it's about my wholeness. I forgot how important that is. I felt like I was being fixed this summer in Xuzhou and I'm not finished being fixed. I need to go back :)

I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice... oh yeah,

I wonder what kind of day I would be having if I were in China. Over there I feel I can conquer anything. Today seems like a perfect day for a ten Yuan dry hair wash. For ten Yuan which is a little over a dollar they spend an hour washing and massaging your scalp. I did it a couple of times with some friends and it was always a great bonding experience for us. We'd practice our Chinese or just talk about whatever and of course we'd laugh a lot. It was a whole activity for us which we usually planned right in the middle of the day seeing as how we enjoyed what rest we got during the afternoon's. It was our choice to keep our evenings so busy but I was only going to be there two months and I wanted to do everything and see everything five times over before the end. We'd plan ten things in a day but then the evening always came and our bodies got real tired and it never seemed like enough time. Sometimes I'd give 'em hints as to what I wanted to do later telling them that it'll be "miles from normal." Ha, I easily amuse myself! At the end of the day we'd usually get home at our point of exhaustion and go to bed with no Tree Hill time promising that we'd do it the next day.

It wasn't Nirvana that I fell in love with. It was more than that. I loved believing and knowing that anything I wanted to do was possible. I could even teach if I wanted. I was seven when I first realized that I wanted to be a Coach. Teaching's not much different. I'd love to be a John Keating (Dead Poets Society) or a Haley James in the classroom.

John Keating: I thought the purpose of education was to learn to think for yourself.
Nolan: At these boys age? Not on your life!

I want this I really do. I want to be there when the light goes on in their heads or when a class is first discovering Robert Frost, or whomever will make their hearts leap out. Right here where I am, where I'm sitting, I feel as though I'm surrounded in my own failure, and where I was this summer I was pain free of that. But if I find out that all China means to me is a fresh start I will seriously go postal on myself. It needs to be more than that for my sake and theirs. Sure I'd love to go back to the land where Every Night Is Another Story but really, what is my reasoning for it?

It’s been weeks since I’ve been able to post anything. I’ve been in Xuzhou, China for the last two months near Shanghai. I was with my relatives who moved there just a few years ago, and although they have internet for some reason their Chinese computer wouldn’t let me access certain pages and LJ was one of them. Weird I know.

After I got back I had this friend that kept bugging me to tell her about my experiences in China so I started telling her a story a day and I figured I'd share one of these stories with you.

I am an American. That means something all in itself. It wasn’t until I got to China that I understood the ideas behind that statement. I watched the movie Michael for the first time on a cruise just the other week. There’s this one part where Michael says that he invented standing in line. It’s a really funny part, but here I’m thinking that if he did invent that then why wasn’t it known worldwide. If you've ever been in China then I’m sure you’ve had your own set of “my rights” struggle.

I’m in Lotus watching Christi & Pablo put their stuff in a locker and I gotta go. Pablo gave me his phone while I looked for a restroom so the two of them could go in and get what we needed with maximum efficiency. I’m in the restroom waiting my turn and lucky me, I’m next. Then a kid comes in right in front of me. And then a mother and her daughter, and then what appeared to be a seven year old girl…it doesn’t stop. First off, I am NOT going to compete to be the next one who relieves herself. I plainly don’t believe in that. And there is nothing in me that would push a kid aside because, why, my bladder is more valuable then hers? She’s the kid so she probably can’t hold it that much longer anyways. And if being an adult doesn’t mean letting others go before you then what exactly is our role in all of this? And here’s a shocker. The employees use the same bathroom as everyone else and shove their way to the front just like any other customer. After I got done waiting for someone to acknowledge that I had “paid my foreigner dues” by my extensive patience, I finally walked to KFC and used the facilities there. And even that is a story of it’s own. By the time I finally went it had been over and hour but that’s okay because and Christi & Pablo were just getting out of the store. The End.

BTW, this story occurred just one week before I had to leave China so I had already been there for two months, so no, I didn't just change my beliefs over night and "get used to it" like others suggested. Sure being human I feel it's "my right" to potty but I am not going to create war with a country because of it.

Anything you want to ask me, ask me. The more questions I get, the more stories I can write :)



Banner made by: Mara